1 00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,482 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:55,881 ♪♪ [1950s pop] 3 00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,274 Ohh! I can't believe 4 00:00:57,318 --> 00:00:59,755 the Mayo brothers started this way. 5 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,452 Or even the Mills Brothers. 6 00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:03,933 Try reading something. 7 00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,239 I read everything. 8 00:01:05,282 --> 00:01:06,892 Toss a ball. 9 00:01:08,503 --> 00:01:12,115 I've tossed everything, including breakfast. 10 00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:14,204 There's always trawling for nurses. 11 00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,163 I've trawled all the nurses. 12 00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,339 Let's have a blast. 13 00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:20,036 We could drown the dull in booze. 14 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,646 It won't do any good. 15 00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:24,388 My dull has learned how to swim. 16 00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:26,086 Maybe I can get a note from my parents 17 00:01:26,129 --> 00:01:27,739 excusing me from the war. 18 00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:29,393 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. 19 00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,308 Due to conditions beyond our control, 20 00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:34,355 we regret to announce that lunch is now being served. 21 00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:35,617 They got a lot of guts. 22 00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,140 And they keep serving them. 23 00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:42,145 You realize this is an anniversary? 24 00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:45,148 They've given us liver or fish ten straight days in a row. 25 00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:46,323 Eleven. 26 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:51,198 If they try to serve that to us one more time today, 27 00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:53,243 -I'm gonna throw a fit. -You won't throw a fit. 28 00:01:53,287 --> 00:01:54,723 All right, then, I'll throw a berserk 29 00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:56,159 with a strong resemblance to a fit. 30 00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:57,552 It's somethin' to do. 31 00:01:57,595 --> 00:01:59,075 Gonna eat with your feet? 32 00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,905 Only if they have corn on the cob. 33 00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:21,837 Terrific outfit, Klinger. 34 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,361 Like it? I don't usually wear floor-length during the day, 35 00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:26,407 but once in a while, you feel like bein' dressy. 36 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,801 You look like my dead aunt. 37 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:31,455 MAN [on P.A.]: Nurse Chetsberger, 38 00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:34,415 please contact the Red Cross representative. 39 00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,156 Nurse Chetsberger, 40 00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:38,636 please contact the Red Cross representative. 41 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,247 How can you eat this slop? 42 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,642 My mouth is tone-deaf. 43 00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:49,125 Succotash, Doc? 44 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,387 Yes, please. 45 00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:51,432 Potatoes? 46 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:52,694 Fine. 47 00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:55,784 Creamed corn? 48 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:56,785 Thank you. 49 00:02:57,873 --> 00:02:58,917 [ladle tapping] 50 00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:01,703 And for the entree today... 51 00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:03,183 Here it comes. 52 00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,227 Steady. 53 00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:09,058 We have liver or fish. 54 00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:13,889 I didn't hear you say that. 55 00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:15,717 'cause it isn't possible. 56 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:19,460 It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. 57 00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:21,288 The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing 58 00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,985 -of our taste buds! -Easy. 59 00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:25,727 I simply cannot eat the same food every day! 60 00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:27,859 Fish, liver, day after day! 61 00:03:27,903 --> 00:03:30,558 I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! 62 00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:35,084 I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! 63 00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:37,695 I've eaten so much liver, 64 00:03:37,739 --> 00:03:39,001 I can only make love 65 00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:40,655 if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! 66 00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,222 Are we gonna stand for this? 67 00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:43,919 Are we gonna let them do this to us? 68 00:03:43,962 --> 00:03:45,747 No, I say! No! 69 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:48,184 We're not gonna eat this dreck anymore! 70 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:52,057 We want something else! We want something else! 71 00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:53,885 We want something else! 72 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:55,670 [all chanting] We want something else! 73 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,933 Draftees of the world, arise! 74 00:03:57,976 --> 00:03:59,978 You have noting to lose but your cookies! 75 00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:03,068 We want something else! We want something else! 76 00:04:03,112 --> 00:04:06,507 We want something else! We want something else! 77 00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:09,466 We want something else! We want something else! 78 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:12,991 We want something else! We want something else! 79 00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:16,343 We want something else! We want something else! 80 00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:19,520 We want something else! We want something else! 81 00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:21,130 [shouting] 82 00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:22,087 We want something else! 83 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,135 We want something else! 84 00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:27,919 [shouting] 85 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,704 We want something else! 86 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:35,318 Just who do you think you are, Pierce? 87 00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:38,495 I broke under the pressure, warden. 88 00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:40,628 Eleven straight days, Henry. 89 00:04:40,671 --> 00:04:43,065 Well, don't you think I've tried for some relieviation? 90 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,414 -Yes, sir. -Radar-- 91 00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,024 What happened to the frozen turkey 92 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,417 I ordered you to order? 93 00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:48,810 Well, I put in the requisition, sir, 94 00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:50,377 -marked "urgent." -Well? 95 00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,074 They sent us 5,000 athletic supporters. 96 00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:54,642 Marked "urgent." [laughing] 97 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:57,297 I don't find that such a rib-tickler, McIntyre. 98 00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,822 Ribs. 99 00:05:00,865 --> 00:05:02,389 All right, Radar, why don't you get on the horn-- 100 00:05:02,432 --> 00:05:03,999 Trade the athletic supporters. 101 00:05:04,042 --> 00:05:05,305 ...see if we can't trade those athletic supporters? 102 00:05:06,654 --> 00:05:08,612 Barbecued spareribs! 103 00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:10,832 That's what I want! That's what I need! 104 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,182 What you need is a tranquilizer 105 00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,227 about the size of a horse's rump! 106 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:16,794 There's a place in Chicago 107 00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:18,230 near the Dearborn Street Station. 108 00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:19,754 I don't know the name of it. 109 00:05:19,797 --> 00:05:22,713 They served ribs. The best in the world! 110 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,541 They had a barbecue sauce with it-- 111 00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:28,371 a flamboyant, devil-may-care, yet introspective sauce. 112 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,503 Spareribs? 113 00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:31,983 Ambrosia. 114 00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:33,202 The gods on Olympus, 115 00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,595 when they got tired of pizza, 116 00:05:34,638 --> 00:05:35,987 they sent out for these ribs! 117 00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,293 Ha! Yum, yum. 118 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,643 I think he's gonna have an accident. 119 00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:42,080 Get him the barbecue ribs, Henry. 120 00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:44,082 I don't just want ribs. I want those ribs. 121 00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:46,389 Pierce, you're acting like one of my kids. 122 00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:50,175 Henry, I'm all ribbed out. I have barbecue deficiency. 123 00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:51,786 Don't you get the clinical picture? 124 00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,309 Withdrawal trauma. 125 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,050 Take blood, you'll see. 126 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:58,140 Half hemoglobin, half barbecue sauce from Chicago. 127 00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,098 You're off your hinges. 128 00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:02,318 Henry, they were sensational. 129 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,059 The ribs burned my upper lip. 130 00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:05,452 I had a little cut. 131 00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:07,192 I kept the scar alive for a year. 132 00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:08,411 The pain was exquisite. 133 00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:09,891 What was the name of this place? 134 00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:11,371 I can't remember! 135 00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:12,894 It was near the Dearborn Street Station. 136 00:06:12,937 --> 00:06:14,939 Well, why don't you call the station and ask? 137 00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:17,464 The number's DEarborn 5-7500. 138 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:18,813 How the hell do you know that? 139 00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:20,902 I was born in Illinois. 140 00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:23,513 I spent half my life at the Dearborn Station. 141 00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:24,775 It was the first place my mother let me 142 00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:26,690 go to the men's room alone. 143 00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,344 Come to think of it, 144 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,825 it's where I met my wife Lorraine. 145 00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:32,609 I gotta have those ribs. 146 00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,655 Sounds like you're ready to go into labor. 147 00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:37,745 I'll get 'em... somehow. 148 00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:40,704 Pierce, I don't care what you do in private. 149 00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:43,315 You want ribs? It makes me no never mind. 150 00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,187 But as long as you're in this man's army camp, 151 00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:47,755 you behave yourself, and you fly in formation. 152 00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:49,452 -RADAR: Yes, sir. -Radar? 153 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,236 Let's get started on the inspection. 154 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:52,281 Yes, sir. 155 00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,334 It was oregano in the sauce, 156 00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:04,511 and just the slightest suggestion of vinegar. 157 00:07:04,554 --> 00:07:06,774 And the coleslaw tasted like heather. 158 00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:10,560 But those ribs, those ribs! 159 00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:12,780 I'm sure they came from pigs that were virgins. 160 00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:15,783 You know? You know? 161 00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:18,220 [laughing] They were terrific. 162 00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:19,613 Mm! 163 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:21,789 -HAWKEYE: Mm. -[muffled groaning] 164 00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:30,798 I gotta have 'em. 165 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,757 I gotta have 'em, Trap. 166 00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:38,936 [clatter] 167 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,547 Halt! What's the password? 168 00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,897 Out of my way, or I'll split your head open. 169 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,594 Close enough. 170 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,470 Radar? 171 00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:53,037 Radar, it's Hawkeye. Let me in. 172 00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:54,256 I gotta use the phone. 173 00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:55,736 [knocking continues] 174 00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,215 Radar! Come on, wake up! 175 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:58,826 The war's over. We won, 8-5. 176 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:06,921 -Radar. -Don't shoot! 177 00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:08,226 Get on the phone. 178 00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:10,011 -Who's calling? -You are. 179 00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:11,752 Get out of bed, or I'll take your tonsils out 180 00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,014 through your armpits. 181 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,755 Come on. We're calling Chicago. 182 00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:16,670 DEarborn 5-7500. 183 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,585 -Chicago? -That toddlin' town. 184 00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:20,978 Home of the stockyards, Mrs. O'Leary's cow, 185 00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:23,546 The White Sox, The Cubs, Carl Sandburg. 186 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,766 Who's he pitch for? 187 00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:27,202 The poet. 188 00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,247 "Chicago." 189 00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:31,162 Hog Butcher for the world. 190 00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:34,035 Tool maker, stacker of wheat, 191 00:08:34,078 --> 00:08:36,951 Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler. 192 00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:40,781 Stormy, husky, brawling, city of the big shoulders. 193 00:08:40,824 --> 00:08:42,565 Sandburg knew, Radar. 194 00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,567 Spare-ribber for the universe. 195 00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,569 Maker of meat on a bone. 196 00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:48,310 The home of the Pigsicle. 197 00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:53,750 Give me your tired, your poor, your coleslaw. 198 00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:54,882 Sparky? 199 00:08:54,925 --> 00:08:57,406 Yeah, it's-it's Radar. 200 00:08:57,449 --> 00:08:59,669 Yeah, listen, I really-- I-I know it's late, Sparky. 201 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:02,803 But, uh, can you patch me through to Tokyo, 202 00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:05,153 Honolulu, San Francisco? 203 00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:08,069 Yeah, I'm headed for Chicago. I'll hold. 204 00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:10,593 Radar, I'll let you lick my fingers for this. 205 00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:12,464 Are these ribs really that great? 206 00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:15,772 Ah... better than sex. 207 00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:18,296 I don't know how good sex is. 208 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:20,777 No woman could follow them. Especially the big ones. 209 00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:23,954 The ribs, not the women. 210 00:09:25,608 --> 00:09:27,784 They come in a sheet about that size. 211 00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:29,090 Wow! 212 00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,179 It's like making love to a xylophone. 213 00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:33,747 He's got Honolulu asking for San Francisco. 214 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,226 Good man, that Sparky. 215 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:37,011 There may be a knighthood in this for him. 216 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,882 With sparerib clusters. 217 00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:41,363 Okay, pal. I'll take it from here. 218 00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:42,756 Thanks. You done terrific! 219 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:43,974 You did terrific. 220 00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:45,149 That's what I said he done. 221 00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:48,588 Hello-- 222 00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,068 Hello! 223 00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:53,593 San Francisco? Right. 224 00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:55,595 Uh, can you speak up a little louder, please? 225 00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,379 I'm calling from Korea. 226 00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:58,728 Korea! 227 00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:00,991 Rhymes with "dia." 228 00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:05,561 Right. The place that Bob Hope comes to all the time. 229 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,042 Uh, listen, this is official military business, 230 00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:09,478 priority one! 231 00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:11,828 Uh, can you put me through to Chicago? 232 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,091 Chicago! 233 00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:17,138 Y-Yeah, the place with the big shoulders. 234 00:10:17,181 --> 00:10:19,662 DEarborn 5-7500. 235 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:22,360 DEarborn 5-7500. 236 00:10:22,404 --> 00:10:23,927 Right! 237 00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:25,189 They're dialing. 238 00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:26,843 -I love her. -It's a he. 239 00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,062 I love him. 240 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:29,411 It's ringing. 241 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,762 Dearborn Station? 242 00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:35,199 Yeah? Hold on! 243 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,812 Uh, hello. This is, uh, Cranston Lamont 244 00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,465 of the Chicago Tribune. 245 00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,511 Uh, I'm over here in Korea, doing a, uh, 246 00:10:42,554 --> 00:10:45,079 story on our star-freckled spangled fighting boys. 247 00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:47,255 -Wow! -Uh, I'm doing a backgrounder 248 00:10:47,298 --> 00:10:48,691 on a Windy City boy, 249 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,171 and I need to know something. 250 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:51,694 Uh, across the street from the station, 251 00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,435 down the block, there's a five-and-ten. 252 00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:55,176 And right next to that there's a dry cleaning 253 00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:56,786 and, uh, and dyeing place. 254 00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,222 And right next to that, 255 00:10:58,266 --> 00:10:59,441 there's this place that sells ribs. 256 00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,269 What-what's the name-- 257 00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:03,271 Adam's Ribs! That's it. Adam's Ribs. 258 00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:05,708 A-D-A-M-S R-I-B-S. 259 00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:07,492 That's it. That's it. 260 00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:08,842 -Mm! -You'll smear it. 261 00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,974 I-I got it engraved on my tongue. 262 00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,889 Listen, you got a telephone book there? 263 00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:14,412 Uh, all right-- 264 00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:16,719 I want you to look up the number for me! 265 00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,155 Look, I know you're busy, Mister. 266 00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:21,245 Um, what is your name, please? 267 00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:22,943 For the article. 268 00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:24,292 Resnick? 269 00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:25,815 Bernard Resnick? 270 00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:28,296 Is that with an S or a Z? 271 00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,733 Uh, thank you, Mr. Resnick. 272 00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,387 That's a lovely name. 273 00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:34,650 One of my daughters is called Resnick. 274 00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:38,262 You got it? All r-- 275 00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:40,525 DEarborn 5 2-7-5-0. 276 00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:42,658 5 2-7-5-0. 277 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,747 Wait, wait, wait! D-Don't-don't hang up! 278 00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,793 Get the operator for me. 279 00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:49,709 Thank you, Mr. Resnick. God bless your choo-choos. 280 00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:53,190 Operator? 281 00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:56,498 I want DEarborn 5 2-7-5-0. 282 00:11:58,239 --> 00:12:00,067 This is it, Radar. We're approaching Nirvana. 283 00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,503 Is that near Chicago? 284 00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:04,114 Hello! 285 00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,508 What do you mean, busy? 286 00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:10,991 Operator, I'm a soldier. I'm a wounded man in Korea. 287 00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:13,689 I'm trying to reach my family from a foxhole! 288 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,344 [imitating shell whistling and explosion] 289 00:12:16,387 --> 00:12:18,302 [imitating cannon firing] 290 00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:23,612 [imitating rifles firing] 291 00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:26,049 Hello, Adam's Ribs? 292 00:12:26,093 --> 00:12:28,225 I'd like to place a takeout order, please. 293 00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:30,706 All right, you got a pencil? 294 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,447 I want 20 pounds-- 295 00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:35,102 No, make that 40 pounds of your best ribs. 296 00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,017 The jumbos. 297 00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,410 And I want some barbecue sauce. 298 00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:41,543 A gallon. 299 00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:43,066 Yeah, we're having a party. 300 00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:45,503 My mother's out on parole. 301 00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:47,288 All right, now, look. Now, don't cook 'em. 302 00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:48,550 I just want them packaged. 303 00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:50,552 Name of Pierce. B.F. Pierce. 304 00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,207 Somebody'll pick 'em up. 305 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:54,817 Good, okay. Thank you. 306 00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,603 Couldn't have done it without you, Radar. 307 00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:01,084 Thank you, sir. 308 00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,738 -Oh! -What? 309 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,305 -Damn it. -What? 310 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,221 I forgot to order the coleslaw. 311 00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:09,832 Hello? 312 00:13:17,753 --> 00:13:19,276 Step one. Spareribs ordered. 313 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,495 Check. 314 00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:23,150 Step two. Ribs must be picked up. 315 00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,674 Step three. Ribs must be paid for. 316 00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:27,067 Step four. 317 00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:29,721 Ribs must be flown to us here in Paradise Valley. 318 00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:33,334 What a picture you are of gluttony, greed, lust, 319 00:13:33,377 --> 00:13:34,944 oral sensation. 320 00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:36,467 You're seeing the real me. 321 00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:39,644 As a child, I once ate 12 banana sandwiches. 322 00:13:39,688 --> 00:13:42,169 I slept in the bathroom for a week. 323 00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:43,692 -Charming. -Now, Inspector, 324 00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:45,085 I figure that the same person 325 00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:46,869 who picks the ribs up can pay for them 326 00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,479 and take them over to the airport in Chicago. 327 00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,046 Elementary. 328 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,396 This as-yet-unknown person gives them to a pilot 329 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,920 or a stewardess, who delivers them 330 00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:56,139 to Military Air Transport in San Francisco. 331 00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:57,488 The rest is downhill. 332 00:13:57,532 --> 00:13:59,099 So is your head. 333 00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:00,796 They all laughed at Christopher Columbus 334 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,276 when he said the world was round, 335 00:14:02,319 --> 00:14:04,365 but he went on to write a great song. 336 00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:06,106 You keep this up and the squirrels are gonna 337 00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,759 bury your head somewhere. 338 00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:10,632 Pilots and stewardesses love to do us favors. 339 00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:12,982 I once did a stewardess a great favor. 340 00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:15,463 I didn't scream while she forced herself on me. 341 00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:20,033 TRAPPER: There's an interesting couple. 342 00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:21,425 Tillie and Mac. 343 00:14:21,469 --> 00:14:23,166 Sir, I've got a bone 344 00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:24,689 I'd like to pick with you. 345 00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:25,908 Wait a minute, Klinger. 346 00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:27,692 First bones first. Any luck, Radar? 347 00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:30,347 Oh, I checked the personnel roster and all the patients, 348 00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:31,914 and nobody lives in Chicago. 349 00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:33,307 What a great time to steal it. 350 00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:35,396 Rats! Double rats! 351 00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:38,573 Sir, in the riot you caused by going off your noodle, 352 00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:41,054 you got succotash on my stole! 353 00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:44,013 I apologize, Klinger, from the heart of my bottom. 354 00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,059 And liver, too, you got on it! 355 00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:47,669 Don't say "liver!" 356 00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:50,628 You say that word again, I'll set your teeth on fire! 357 00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:52,979 I'll have your skunk cleaned. 358 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:57,157 Right now I'm thinking about bigger things. 359 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,767 Don't you come from Chicago? 360 00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,160 No, he's from Toledo. 361 00:15:00,203 --> 00:15:01,639 But I get my lingerie from Chicago. 362 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:02,771 And it's beautiful. 363 00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:04,904 I hear. 364 00:15:06,383 --> 00:15:07,689 You know anybody in Chicago? 365 00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:09,212 I got an uncle there. 366 00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:10,648 This could be something. 367 00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:12,433 Does he like you? Would he do you a favor? 368 00:15:12,476 --> 00:15:14,174 Favor? He'd kill for me. 369 00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,697 He'd kill for you. 370 00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,873 For $100, he'd kill for anybody. 371 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,571 Why don't you put out a contract on the spareribs? 372 00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:22,617 Would your uncle handle a package for me? 373 00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:24,010 Sure, for a price. 374 00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:25,620 He doesn't have to kill the package. 375 00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:28,144 Just pick it up and deliver it to the airport in Chicago. 376 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,755 It's done. Won't cost you a dime. 377 00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:33,410 Lady, you're a real gentleman. 378 00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:36,326 All you gotta do is sign my psycho discharge papers, 379 00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,241 you and Captain McIntyre. 380 00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:40,548 Klinger, that paper has to be signed by three doctors. 381 00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:41,810 We're only two. 382 00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:43,812 Nobody else wants to be three. 383 00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:45,553 Okay. The deal's off! 384 00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:46,902 Wait a second! Wait-- 385 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,078 No discharge, no package, 386 00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:52,777 And I expect you to un-succotash my stole, sir! 387 00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:56,346 TRAPPER: So emotional. 388 00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:57,957 Meanwhile, my ribs are sitting there 389 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,567 like barbecued orphans. 390 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,699 Gee, I wish I could help. 391 00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,527 I wonder how you'd taste charcoaled. 392 00:16:03,571 --> 00:16:04,920 Hey! 393 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,748 You know, I just remembered. 394 00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:09,272 I knew a redhead in Chicago. 395 00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,579 Oh, boy. You talk about your ribs. 396 00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:12,797 Yeah, yeah? 397 00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:15,017 What was her name? 398 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,279 Mildred. 399 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,455 That's right. Mildred Feeney. 400 00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,022 Would she do you a favor? 401 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,328 She already did. 402 00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:22,851 She could pick up the ribs. 403 00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:24,635 She could pay for them and put 'em on a plane. 404 00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:26,072 -I'd send her a check. -You're hallucinating. 405 00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:27,421 I haven't seen her in years. 406 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:28,726 It was a one-night stand. 407 00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:31,773 No, it was a two-night. 408 00:16:31,816 --> 00:16:34,515 No, I think it was three. 409 00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:36,996 Radar, prepare finger. Ready to dial. 410 00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,044 Hello. 411 00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,003 Uh, yeah, Mildred Feeney? 412 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,048 Uh, right. Hold on. Go. 413 00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:49,356 Hi, Mildred? 414 00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:51,053 This is John McIntyre. 415 00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,926 That's right, Big John. 416 00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:56,276 Big John? 417 00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:58,104 Lucky. 418 00:16:58,147 --> 00:17:01,324 Look, honey, I know it's been a lot of years, but, uh-- 419 00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,196 No, I'm not actually in Chicago now. 420 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:04,762 Little bit west of there. 421 00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:07,069 I'm in Korea, to be exact. 422 00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,766 Well, I got called up into the war, 423 00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:11,334 and, uh, I got to thinkin' about you. 424 00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:13,075 What? 425 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,208 The war, Mildred. 426 00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:16,644 The war! 427 00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:19,168 [imitating bomb exploding] 428 00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:20,648 Come on, you guys, take it easy. 429 00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,389 You're worse than the real thing. 430 00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:24,826 -Lay it on her, will ya? -What, baby? 431 00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:27,133 Me? Married? Married? 432 00:17:27,176 --> 00:17:28,786 Of course I'm not married, Mildred. 433 00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:30,223 -Come on. -Who could follow you? 434 00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:31,267 Cut it out. 435 00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:32,529 We could lose this line. 436 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,531 Lay it on her, will ya? 437 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,186 Uh, honey, look. I want you to do me a favor. 438 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:40,581 There's a package under the name of Pierce 439 00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:42,583 at a place called Adam's Ribs 440 00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,889 next to the Dearborn Street Station. 441 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,674 I want you to go in there and pay for it, 442 00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:49,894 and take it to the M.P.s at Midway Airport. 443 00:17:49,938 --> 00:17:52,114 Yeah, I'll send you a check for it. 444 00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:56,640 Uh, mark the package "Dr. B.F. Pierce. 445 00:17:56,684 --> 00:18:00,383 "4077 MASH, Korea. 446 00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:03,212 Rush: Medical Supplies." 447 00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:04,605 What? 448 00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,520 It's ribs and sauce. 449 00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:09,000 -Yeah, we use 'em for, uh... -Anatomy practice. 450 00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,307 Anatomy practice, right. 451 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:14,136 Well, they don't allow us to work on real people. 452 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,746 The sauce? 453 00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:19,663 Well, uh, they don't let us use real blood, either. 454 00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:21,491 You understand? 455 00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,711 Boy, she's smart. 456 00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:26,366 Thanks a lot, Mildred. Right, honey. 457 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,585 -Bye-bye. -Come on, come on. 458 00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:30,370 Mildred, I can't keep the war on hold. 459 00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,154 I gotta go. Bye-bye. 460 00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,505 Ha ha! 461 00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:37,116 -Radar. -Yeah? 462 00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:39,379 Wire the M.P.s at Midway Airport. 463 00:18:39,422 --> 00:18:40,771 Tell 'em that the package is for 464 00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:41,990 Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. 465 00:18:42,033 --> 00:18:43,339 Yeah-yeah. 466 00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:45,515 General MacArthur's personal physician. 467 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,169 MacArthur. Wow. 468 00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,215 I've never been in the stockade before. 469 00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,739 Then wire the, uh, Military Air Transport Service. 470 00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:53,697 -A.P.O. San Francisco. -"A.P.O"... 471 00:18:53,741 --> 00:18:55,830 Tell 'em it's urgent. Critical medical supplies. 472 00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:58,833 -"Critical"... -Handle with Care. Highly Infectious. 473 00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:00,922 Uh, mark it "Quickest possible. 474 00:19:00,965 --> 00:19:03,185 Do not spill. Keep refrigerated." 475 00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:05,144 Way to go, Big John. 476 00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:15,545 Sir. Wake up, sir. 477 00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:16,894 The spareribs are here. 478 00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:18,418 Where? Where? 479 00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:20,985 They're in a supply depot down in Ouijongbu. 480 00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:22,509 Uh, they're hung up in channels. 481 00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:23,814 Who hung 'em? 482 00:19:23,858 --> 00:19:26,643 Well, I talked to a Major Pfiefer. 483 00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:28,645 He wouldn't even talk to me when I talked to him. 484 00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:29,907 What'd he say? What'd he say? 485 00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,692 He started with, uh, "Drop dead," 486 00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:33,998 and then he got rude! 487 00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:36,697 We'll get him, even if we have to call Klinger's uncle. 488 00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:40,048 -Trap. -Mildred... 489 00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:43,269 Wake up. Me and the ribs, we're all in Korea! 490 00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:44,357 Let's eat! 491 00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:49,623 Come on, Dan. It's on the way to Seoul! 492 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:52,539 No room. I gotta take this kid down for X-ray. 493 00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:55,063 Unless you wanna use the rumble seats. 494 00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:57,196 -Okay, you got it! -Gimme your hand. 495 00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:58,849 Climb under. 496 00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,895 Watch your head. Okay, get him in. 497 00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:26,964 "4077 MASH." 498 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,967 Oh, yes, talked to some cocky little nurse at your outfit. 499 00:20:30,011 --> 00:20:31,273 Radar. 500 00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,797 Tried to muscle me on the phone. 501 00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,886 She's a tough little cookie. 502 00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:38,541 There it is. "One box, medical supplies. 503 00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,978 Marked urgent." Figures. 504 00:20:41,022 --> 00:20:42,893 We're doctors. We need that stuff, Major. 505 00:20:42,937 --> 00:20:44,068 It's important. 506 00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:46,375 Yeah, it's a new wonder drug. 507 00:20:47,811 --> 00:20:49,683 Top shelf. 508 00:20:53,034 --> 00:20:54,470 Keep those code numbers to the front 509 00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:55,950 so we can read them. 510 00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:58,735 Oh, sorry. It's only our first day on the job. 511 00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,171 What about our package? 512 00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:02,130 You know what I've got to process? 513 00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:04,785 Twelve Sherman tanks, 2,000 blankets, 514 00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:07,309 100,000 rolls of toilet paper, 515 00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:09,920 A trainload of semiautomatic corn poppers, 516 00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:11,487 and baby A-bomb components. 517 00:21:11,531 --> 00:21:13,054 They're delicious with popcorn. 518 00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:14,969 Whatever it is, I've got it. 519 00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:16,362 And you want me to find 520 00:21:16,405 --> 00:21:18,668 one insignificant little box of med supplies. 521 00:21:20,061 --> 00:21:22,063 We sometimes use them in our work. 522 00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:25,632 You think because you save lives, it's important. 523 00:21:25,675 --> 00:21:27,808 Move this over there. 524 00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:28,809 Sure. 525 00:21:30,506 --> 00:21:32,029 Another box of hernias, huh? 526 00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:33,335 [grunting, sighing] 527 00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:36,425 Major, you're not gonna cooperate, huh? 528 00:21:36,469 --> 00:21:39,602 If I help one person, I have to help everybody. 529 00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:43,040 You can't run a war on cooperation. 530 00:21:43,084 --> 00:21:45,347 All right, fine. We'll go up the line. 531 00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:47,523 -Who's your boss? -My sergeant. 532 00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:49,438 -Where is he? -Look, he's very busy, 533 00:21:49,482 --> 00:21:50,700 and I don't want him upset. 534 00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:52,876 We're not gonna upset him. 535 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,226 He's over in Admin. Sergeant Tarola. 536 00:21:55,270 --> 00:21:57,228 Please don't tell him I sent you. 537 00:21:57,272 --> 00:21:59,318 Thank you, Major. You've been a tower of Jell-O. 538 00:22:00,884 --> 00:22:03,409 Nobody cut requisition orders on this. 539 00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:05,193 Emergency medical shipment, Sergeant. 540 00:22:05,236 --> 00:22:08,022 Yeah, there's no S47-19J accompanying. 541 00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:10,372 I told you we should've got an S47-19J accompanying, 542 00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:11,678 but you wouldn't listen. 543 00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:12,896 That's necessary? 544 00:22:12,940 --> 00:22:14,898 Necessary? 545 00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:16,291 We don't go to latrine around here 546 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,511 without an S47-19J. 547 00:22:18,554 --> 00:22:19,860 Sorry. 548 00:22:23,733 --> 00:22:25,474 You know, I wasn't gonna say anything, 549 00:22:25,518 --> 00:22:26,823 but this little supermarket of yours here 550 00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:28,999 -isn't all that clean. -Yeah. 551 00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:32,481 Ideal breeding environment for cholera, the plague. 552 00:22:32,525 --> 00:22:34,396 You're kidding. 553 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,616 You always sweat in 40 degree temperature? 554 00:22:36,659 --> 00:22:39,227 -I'm not sweating. -You should be. 555 00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:41,229 Nothin' wrong with me. I feel sensational. 556 00:22:41,272 --> 00:22:43,710 Ah, there it is. Say that again, will ya? 557 00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:46,582 I feel sensational? 558 00:22:46,626 --> 00:22:48,671 Definite slurring of the S. 559 00:22:48,715 --> 00:22:50,281 Classic early symptom. 560 00:22:50,325 --> 00:22:52,458 Followed by the eyes blinking 561 00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:54,024 -in an up-and-down motion. -Mm-hmm. 562 00:22:54,068 --> 00:22:55,330 You know, if there's plague here, 563 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:56,723 we'll have to close the place. 564 00:22:56,766 --> 00:22:58,246 Post it as a contagious area. 565 00:22:58,289 --> 00:22:59,769 Give you a chance to be reassigned. 566 00:22:59,813 --> 00:23:01,249 You're probably anxious to get up 567 00:23:01,292 --> 00:23:02,946 to the fighting war anyway, aren't you? 568 00:23:06,341 --> 00:23:07,690 What's in the package? 569 00:23:09,997 --> 00:23:12,173 Spareribs and sauce from Chicago. 570 00:23:13,957 --> 00:23:15,437 Adam's Ribs? 571 00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:17,396 You know? 572 00:23:17,439 --> 00:23:19,310 I'm from Joliet. 573 00:23:19,354 --> 00:23:21,487 I'd walk to Chicago on my knees in the snow 574 00:23:21,530 --> 00:23:22,966 for a takeout order. 575 00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:24,925 He's one of you. 576 00:23:26,143 --> 00:23:28,276 -How many you got? -40 pounds. 577 00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,409 I'll take 20 and a quart of sauce. 578 00:23:32,585 --> 00:23:34,543 10 and a pint of sauce. 579 00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:35,979 12 and a pint and a half. 580 00:23:36,023 --> 00:23:37,416 And coleslaw. 581 00:23:40,941 --> 00:23:43,073 We didn't order any coleslaw. 582 00:23:44,335 --> 00:23:46,250 You sent all the way to Chicago 583 00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:47,687 and no coleslaw? 584 00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:51,342 Forgive us. We're draftees. 585 00:24:14,888 --> 00:24:15,932 Ah. 586 00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:21,460 [whistling] 587 00:24:25,551 --> 00:24:27,074 Shall we give thanks? 588 00:24:28,989 --> 00:24:31,034 Praise the Lord and pass the sauce. 589 00:24:31,078 --> 00:24:33,254 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. Attention. 590 00:24:33,297 --> 00:24:35,299 Ambulances in the lower compound. 591 00:24:35,343 --> 00:24:36,953 Choppers on the upper pad. 592 00:24:36,997 --> 00:24:39,521 Incoming wounded. Repeat, incoming wounded. 593 00:24:39,565 --> 00:24:41,654 All O.R. personnel report on the double. 594 00:24:41,697 --> 00:24:43,177 -Come on! -Repeat, 595 00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:44,526 ambulances in the lower compound. 596 00:24:44,570 --> 00:24:45,527 -No! -Choppers on the upper deck. 597 00:24:45,571 --> 00:24:46,963 No, that's not fair! 598 00:24:48,574 --> 00:24:50,010 -Come on. -No, no, wait a minute! 599 00:24:50,053 --> 00:24:51,751 No, it's not fair! We got ribs now! 600 00:24:51,794 --> 00:24:53,404 We got ribs from Adam's Ribs in Chicago! 601 00:24:53,448 --> 00:24:54,797 We lied to Mildred and everything! 602 00:24:54,841 --> 00:24:56,233 I had to send her a check! 603 00:24:56,277 --> 00:24:57,800 Let me have a rib. One rib. One little-- 604 00:24:57,844 --> 00:24:59,062 A riblet. A little rib. 605 00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:06,896 ♪♪ [theme]